I'm Such A Baby

Yes it's true. I'm a baby...and I'm a tad on the dramatic side. CHey is going on vacation for 6 days and even though its not THAT long I'm still not looking forward to it. Not to mention, it's bad enough I won't get to see him but I won't really get to talk to him either since he'll be on a friggen boat. Sheesh this is going to such butt for reals. Like I said i realize I'm a baby so you don't have to tell me. It's just hard knowing that we've never gone longer than a day without seeing each other and no more that a few hours without talking to each other and now we have to do 6 days. And that's just the warm up. Wait until later in the summer when he'll be gone for multiple weeks at a time. I think I better get that second job or I'll go insane!

I love you babe and I'll miss you. Be safe and come back soon!!!

Wow Mom Wow

This morning I got up at 8:30 for work. As I was walking out the door I realized I didn't have to be in for another hour!!! Lame. I was already dressed so I couldn't go back to sleep so I was dead tired at work today. Luckily I didn't have to do anything at work really. That was nice. But i realized that I have some major personal issues that I need to fix. No body's perfect right. Especially me. After work I went home and showered then went to Shelby's. She fed me. It was delish!! We got to talk and everything which was good :) talking to Shelby is always awesome. Then we went to a party at a friends house. I saw my ex there. He wasn't supposed to be invited. After that we were all supposed to go hang out. All being Shelby, my ex, my bf, one of my bf's friends, and some other people. Here's a little tid bit about me. I hate disappointing people. All people. I hate confrontation to. I'm not a door mat or a panzy, if it's truly important I will stand up for myself and what I believe in, but if it's something stupid (like people getting pissed cuz I won't come hang out) I get uspet. One of the most important people in my life is Chey and I care a great deal about how he feels and what he thinks. Obviously I would not want to disappoint him. Shelby is my best friend. No matter what I don't know where I'd be without her. Obviously I would not want to disappoint her. My ex and the others didn't weigh as heavy on my mind, however regardless of how high the are on my priority list I don't like having bad feelings with people. My solution was to text Shelby and explain. She understood and everything worked out.

Lately I feel like I've just been screwing up. It seems like no matter what I do I'm hurting or upsetting someone. There seems to be no middle ground. I feel like the people in my life are falling away from me and I will end up alone very soon. Regardless of what anyone says I still feel this way. I'm tougher on myself than anyone ever will be on me and there are times in my life where I just don't feel like I deserve anything I have and as a result I feel I will be stripped of everything. I need to do something to regain my hope and sense of security because right now its just not here.

P.S. Please do not comment on this post. That's not code for please do comment. Not to hurt anyone's feelings but I don't really want input on this. My blog is my journal and though its a public affair sometimes I just need to get my thoughts out without having commentary. I know its quite drab but tomorrow's a new day and I will get over it.

Celebration Of Life

Lately I have been pondering somethings. It often occurs to me that we act certain ways in certain situation because we are trained to do so. Think about it. when we were little we absorbed everything we saw. That translated to how we would feel about those same situations now. A close friend of mine is coping with a death in her family. Today her status update was "Celebration of Life, service at the church then back to my house." The first part got me thinking.

Celebration of Life

No matter what society does I think we will always associate mourning with death. That is of course human nature to want to be with someone you just lost and not have that opportunity. But death should be looked at differently. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we know that we will return to live with Heavenly Father, Christ, and our family. So why not look at death as a Celebration of Life. Not only that, but remember that the person you are mourning is in paradise. That person is with God and our Savior. He is where he is supposed to be and he is beyond happy. One day you will join him too. This is nothing you haven't heard, but I felt inclined to post it.

Weird Post

This might be one of the weirdest posts I'm going to put up on here but I don't care.

Look at this kid. You can not look at this picture and have any other thought running through your mind other than, "Holy eff he is HAWT!" Srsly.

I told you this was going to be a weird post!

Anyways. When Chey and I first started dating I for some reason told him he should put a paperbag over his head. (I was teasing him of course) Either I said it or he said it and I agreed. But anyways, I am and will forever be mocked for my horrific comment about the bag. I try to tell him all the time that I was kidding because I think he is a stud muffin but he never believes me. So maybe if I devote an entire post to his stud muffiness he'll finally believe me.

Anyways, back to Chey. Let me tell you a story :)

Over the summer in probably August Chey came into DI while I was working. I looked like POO!!!! Srsly. I don't get dressed up for DI, there's just no point. So I felt foolish when he came in and stood next to my register and made fun of me! The whole time he was standing in front of me I kept thinking, "Holy crap this guy is gorgeous." When I went on my break on of my co-workers asked if I knew Chey and I said yes. She says, "Girl he is HOT you better get with him!!!" Bahaha when I came back to DI the first thing I said to her was, "I got with him!!"

By the way that whole story is in my journal! I wrote (and I directly quote) "He is the hottest kid I have ever seen in my life."

So anyways this whole post started because when I log onto my blog, on the right hand side is the picture I posted above. It's got a caption but I mainly put it up there so I can stare at him while I'm reading my past blogs lol. Hopefully he'll stop giving me so much crap about the bag joke now!

HELP!

All in favor of Chey posting a blog because he hasn't in 10,000 years should leave a lovely comment asking him to do so!!! :)

Caution to Girlfriends Everywhere!!

Last night Chey came over to hang out. He was going to make me the best brownies ever that SHelby and I discovered a while ago. They're seriously amazing and he's amazing for making them for me. Well anyways we went to the store and got everything...except butter..so we couldn't make them. So sad but he promised he'd make them for me tonight!! So you're probably wondering why I'm telling you this since the title of this post is a caution. No I'm not trying to warn you about guys who bake delicious brownies..although you don't want to get fat off of them..I'm telling you this because I want you to know how amazing I think Chey is before I tell you the caution.

So now that your fully convinced that he's awesome here we go. Last night around 11 Chey and I fell asleep. We were exhausted so it happens. Anyways, he is supposed to leave by 12 so we set an alarm. Apparently his phone was on silent so we never heard it go off. At 12:12 I woke up realizing what time it was. Usually I try to wake Chey up and it takes him a while but eventually he gets up. Last night I rolled over and kissed him on the cheek. He did that little hand wave..ya know the one where you push someone away. But wait it gets better. After he waved me off he had enough energy in his tired little body to say "STOP" and rolled over leaving me all by myself. So feeling a little saddened I got up and went to make my bed figuring that Chey would wake up realizing I wasn't next to him. NOPE! After I finished my bed I came out to find him sprawled out on the couch sleeping like a baby. I sat next to him and figured I'd just finish writing a paper I have due. I opened my computer (hoping the light would wake him up) but Chey looked up at me as if to say "Shut that off can't you see I'm sleeping?" and he rolled over. After many more failed attempts to wake him up he finally realized what time it was and got up.

Here's the warning girls...don't ever try to wake a sleeping boy. It just ends bad. Now obviously Chey didn't mean to roll over..he was sleeping and I know that. But I still had to share this little story.

Broken

I'm at a crossroad. The problem isn't having to choose. Because if that were the case there wouldn't be a problem. The problem is the crossraod isn't mine. It's somebody elses and while that person is choosing a decision that will influence their life forever it is often forgotten that it will influence mine. I'm not saying that this is about me, because its not, and I will support the person no matter what decision they make, I'm just saying that this is hard. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I know that I said I wanted this to happen and I meant it. And deep down I know I still feel that way. But such a large part of me is scared to death right now. I know what I want, I know how I want my life to end up. I've known it for my entire life. I'm not the one I'm worried about. I'm worried about his choice. And I know what your thinking: Everything happens for a reason, No matter what it will work out, Just have faith.

Can anybody give me an answer I can actually use. I'm so afraid that he will change his mind. What if while he's gone he realizes I'm not what he wanted. What if he comes back and we're so different he gives up. I know what I'll do while he's gone, and I know he'll be on my mind and in my heart every second until I can hold him again, but what if it's not like that for him. As I was sitting and thinking today the thought came to my mind that I'm so far in love with him that I don't want him around. I need him around. I don't want to feel his touch. I need to. I don't want to spend my life with him. I need to. I can't imagine God putting someone like him into my life only to rip him out. And I can not even begin to explain the pain I would feel if that were to happen. But maybe it will. Maybe I don't deserve him and sooner or later he'll realize that. All I can say is I can't give up because of a fear of what he might do. If he does decided I'm not what he wants I'll be there until I have to hear that. I'm just scared to death that I will.

What will I do without him? Even if its just for 2 years. I can barely go a few hours without seeing him. And the only reason I can do that is because I can still talk to him constantly. But whats going to happen when all I get is a letter? What will I do when I can't say hi, i love you, i miss you, good night, or even good morning. The small gestures I'm taking for granted now will soon be taken away. Instead of a kiss or even just a hug I'll be left staring at a calendar wishing time would go by sooner. People before me have done this so there should be no excuse why I can't, but what if I'm not strong enough? I feel like I'm destroying his chances by being so upset right now. I feel like acting this way will only keep him from doing something great, that I know he should do, that I want him to do. I'm not trying to be selfish and I would never let stop him from doing this. I just want to know that I can do it to. I know I need to be strong and supportive and I will be, but right now it's so hard. I guess all I can do is pray. Pray for strength, pray for guidance, pray that everything works out in the end.