Broken

I'm at a crossroad. The problem isn't having to choose. Because if that were the case there wouldn't be a problem. The problem is the crossraod isn't mine. It's somebody elses and while that person is choosing a decision that will influence their life forever it is often forgotten that it will influence mine. I'm not saying that this is about me, because its not, and I will support the person no matter what decision they make, I'm just saying that this is hard. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I know that I said I wanted this to happen and I meant it. And deep down I know I still feel that way. But such a large part of me is scared to death right now. I know what I want, I know how I want my life to end up. I've known it for my entire life. I'm not the one I'm worried about. I'm worried about his choice. And I know what your thinking: Everything happens for a reason, No matter what it will work out, Just have faith.

Can anybody give me an answer I can actually use. I'm so afraid that he will change his mind. What if while he's gone he realizes I'm not what he wanted. What if he comes back and we're so different he gives up. I know what I'll do while he's gone, and I know he'll be on my mind and in my heart every second until I can hold him again, but what if it's not like that for him. As I was sitting and thinking today the thought came to my mind that I'm so far in love with him that I don't want him around. I need him around. I don't want to feel his touch. I need to. I don't want to spend my life with him. I need to. I can't imagine God putting someone like him into my life only to rip him out. And I can not even begin to explain the pain I would feel if that were to happen. But maybe it will. Maybe I don't deserve him and sooner or later he'll realize that. All I can say is I can't give up because of a fear of what he might do. If he does decided I'm not what he wants I'll be there until I have to hear that. I'm just scared to death that I will.

What will I do without him? Even if its just for 2 years. I can barely go a few hours without seeing him. And the only reason I can do that is because I can still talk to him constantly. But whats going to happen when all I get is a letter? What will I do when I can't say hi, i love you, i miss you, good night, or even good morning. The small gestures I'm taking for granted now will soon be taken away. Instead of a kiss or even just a hug I'll be left staring at a calendar wishing time would go by sooner. People before me have done this so there should be no excuse why I can't, but what if I'm not strong enough? I feel like I'm destroying his chances by being so upset right now. I feel like acting this way will only keep him from doing something great, that I know he should do, that I want him to do. I'm not trying to be selfish and I would never let stop him from doing this. I just want to know that I can do it to. I know I need to be strong and supportive and I will be, but right now it's so hard. I guess all I can do is pray. Pray for strength, pray for guidance, pray that everything works out in the end.